What Might Have Been....

It's going to be a hard week. You see, this is the week that Zion would most likely be joining our little family. It's been a hard 8 months. Not a week goes by that I don't wonder about what might have been. Not a week that I don't think of how he/she would be developing in my womb. I wonder if Zion was a boy or girl. What would he/she look like? What was his/her personality like? How would he/she have added to our family? What is God's plan in all this? The boys talk about Zion often and it brings me comfort. We talk about seeing Zion in heaven some day. Some days, the pain feels unbearable. Even though Zion was a surprise, I wanted that precious baby so badly. But one thing I know, God is faithful. I trust His plan for me. My verse for the last few months has been "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord!". Sometimes on the bad days, I think of Zion in heaven. I think of the wonderful company he/she already has there. I think of my sister's son, Brian, who died at birth. I think of my sister-in-law's first baby, who passed early in the first trimester. I think of my Mom and Aaron's Mom, both who have babies waiting for them in heaven and I can't help but smile. They must all be the best of friends, waiting in the arms of Jesus for their Daddy, Mommy, brothers and sisters to join them.

My sweet Zion: I am so thankful for the time that God blessed me with you. In my mind it was much too short but "I will praise the One who has chosen me to carry you". I will never forget you my little one. I can't wait to hold you in my arms and introduce you to your brothers. I will see you soon my precious Zion. Mommy loves you!

Thankful

Now these are little boy legs! See all those bumps, bruises and scrapes? It's funny how just the sight of these cute (very obviously boy) legs can make me so thankful. People often ask me if we want a girl. I have to be honest, I am content. Before having Josiah, I was terrified of having boys and really wanted all girls. But God knew what I needed, and I am so thankful that He gave me what I needed and not what I wanted. :) I'm not saying there is anything wrong with girls, I'm sure I would love them too...but there is something special about little boys in my heart. I love that my days are filled with legos, superheros, dirt, bugs, gross bodily functions (ok, maybe not really thankful about that part), wrestling,  transformers and nerf gun wars. I'm thankful that I hear on a daily basis "Mommy, you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. I want to marry you!". I'm thankful for the mystery that little boys are to me. Sometimes I am watching them play with their superheros and suddenly am amazed at the way God made them so very different from girls. It's often obvious that they are made to be leaders and protectors.
I am grateful for the gifts God has given us...but the greatest gift is that I get to be their Mommy.